Not So Sexy Starvation

I know I said previously that I wouldn't blog about my personal life but I have to admit something.

I have severe anorexic tendencies. I have no idea if I'm any where near having an actual eating disorder or if I'm actually under weight. I can't bring myself to weight myself. This is something that I've never talked about because compared to larger and more pressing things, my problems seem completely trivial. It's also really difficult to talk about because I get a lot of shit about my eating habits. Even small comments about how to don't eat enough protein can throw me off and make me neurotic.

I was reading Jezebel.com and that was written really resonated with me:

"I know that people like to portray anorexia as an illness of vanity, but that's about as far from the truth as you can get. Anorexia is never about the weight. The weight is a symptom, a distraction. The need to starve one's self, to concentrate on numbers and sizes and measurements, is merely a means of coping, of drawing the brain away from whatever is hurting it so badly that the only way of dealing is to numb it out completely. It's a very quiet form of suicide."

You know what? That's completely true because I sincerely care less about what I look like. When eating disorders get equated to looks, it just makes it harder to talk about. I don't talk about my eating habits because I feel that it's hard to be taken seriously when people think that all you want to do is look like a runway model. I'm far from being vain but I get a small power high from skipping major meals. It's a rush because I get to experience some normalcy. For those who don't have eating problems, it's really hard to follow this ideology. When major things get out of control, food (or really the lack of it) becomes the easiest thing to reign in.

I know what the cause of my poor eating habits are because it branched off when I was diagnosed with hypermobility (extreme joint flexibility) when I was 13. Hypermobility is far from being life threatening but it's hard to cope with because I'm in some sort of pain nearly every day. In all seriousness, I've had days that I've just wanted to stay in bed because the thought of having to walk and just moving has frightened me. Being constantly hungry shifted my focus from my joints and has made my life easier. Starvation only seemed to become easier when I started high school. It was also a fairly simply defense mechanism considering that high school is hell for me.

I can't make excuses now because it's my way out since everything is up in the air right now. I don't know where I'm going to live a year from now or if I'll have enough money for my education.

I don't want sympathy or a way out. I just want normalcy.